Living alone after losing a spouse: staying safe and connected

In many marriages, one person quietly takes on a job that never gets named. They are the one who makes the daily phone calls. Who checks in on the kids, the neighbours, the friends. Who would notice, within an hour, if something was not right.

When that person dies, the grief is the loud part. The quiet part is that the safety net goes with them. Nobody is listening for you in the next room any more. Nobody expects you home at six. When a spouse handled most family contact, losing them can also mean losing a daily safety net.

This guide is about rebuilding that net, gently, at your own pace.

First, be gentle with yourself

There is no schedule for grief. Some people want to change everything in the first few months. Others can't face any change at all. Both are normal. The steps below are small on purpose. Pick one. Leave the rest for later.

If the grief feels heavy for a long time, or you are not eating or sleeping, please talk to your doctor. In Ontario you can also call 211 to find bereavement support groups and services near you.

Rebuild a daily rhythm of contact

The most protective thing is not a device. It is people who expect to hear from you. A few ideas:

• A regular call. A sister on Sundays. A friend every Wednesday. Put it on the calendar so it doesn't depend on anyone remembering.
• A neighbour who notices. Many neighbours are glad to keep an eye out, if they are asked. Curtains open by nine, the paper taken in.
• A standing outing. A coffee group, a class, a place of worship, a walking club. Somewhere you would be missed if you did not show up.
• A daily check-in. A short automated call or text each day, with people who are told if you don't answer. More on that below.

Choose who would check on you

Your spouse was probably your emergency contact for everything: the doctor, the bank, the hospital forms. Now is a good time to choose new ones. Think about people who live close enough to come over, not just people who are close to you. Our guide on choosing your emergency contacts walks through it.

Make sure at least one of them has a spare key and knows how to get in. See giving a neighbour a spare key.

Look at the house with fresh eyes

A home that was safe for two can be riskier for one, because there is nobody to help if you slip. A few common changes:

• Grab bars by the toilet and in the shower or tub, and a non-slip mat.
• Good lighting on stairs, with switches at the top and bottom, and night lights on the way to the bathroom.
• Loose rugs and cords moved out of walkways.
• A phone you can reach from the floor, like a cell phone in your pocket or a cordless handset you carry.

Your doctor, a local home-care service, or an occupational therapist can suggest more for your home and your health.

Update the paperwork when you can

When you are ready, check who is named on your power of attorney, your will, and the emergency contacts at your doctor's office and pharmacy. It is not urgent in the first weeks. But it matters if something happens.

Where a daily check-in fits

A daily check-in does part of the job your spouse used to do. Each day, at a time you pick, you get a short call or text. You press 1 or reply OK. If you don't answer, the people you chose are told, one at a time, so someone can come and check.

It is not a replacement for people. It is a backstop for the days nobody happens to call. If a scheduled check-in goes unanswered, we try again and then alert your confirmed contacts. Lots of people who sign up for themselves tell us the biggest change is that they stop lying awake wondering "who would notice?"

You can read one illustrative story in When Helen was alive, she was the one who called.